My Sleeping Giant is Awakening

I posted a blog a few days ago about the sleeping giant within. I gave it permission to surface so I could look it in the face and call it by name. I did not know what it was, but I did know something was knocking at my door, wanting to be seen.

 To my surprise, the day after I posted the blog, the giant began to awaken. I’m looking it in the face, and so far, I know its name is fear of anger. 

anger

anger (Photo credit: anyone123)

 I am seeing that I’m not okay with anger. I don’t know how to own it for myself, nor am I able to allow it in anyone else. A bad temper scares me. I feel helpless with it and threatened by it, and I have no answer to it. When it appears in my life, I like to pretend it’s not there, or find a way to escape it, because I’m afraid it will chew me up and spit me out.

Recently, I was in a situation where I spent a few hours in the emergency room with someone close to me. This person was very unhappy with being where she was, and exhibited strong outbursts of anger. I kept getting up and leaving the cubicle, because I could not deal with her rage.

Seeing all that fury unleashed in front of me, brought up my need to make her anger wrong. The more she expressed her wrath, the angrier I became. I wanted to holler at her to shut up; I even wished I could slap her. What I couldn’t see on that day, but what I realize now, is that she was mirroring to me my own anger issue that needs to be healed.

I can easily tell someone it’s okay to cry and express their grief, but I am not able to calmly acknowledge someone’s anger while not getting caught up in it myself.  Screaming,  cursing at others, extreme negativity, and rage all scare me. I revert to being a helpless little girl,who was usually mad at someone, and had no outlet for expressing that emotion.  As a child, when I  was angry I was made to feel there was something wrong with me, so I learned to ignore that emotional expression.  

There are times when I need to be angry, but I tell myself I’m not.  Here’s the problem with not expressing anger at the right time, to the right person, in the right way. The feeling gets buried and it sits there, and we wind up exploding at the wrong time, to the wrong person,  for the wrong reason, and in the wrong way.

picture by: alphasiren.me

Often, what we think we’re angry with, has nothing to do with what we’re really pissed about. People and events in our lives become catalysts that help us to find our stuffed emotions. When we can take a step back and see that we’re not really mad about what’s happening at the moment, we can experience healing. 

Rage is an accumulation of unexpressed anger. When we keep stuffing our feelings they build up, and sometimes all it takes is one small thing to send us over the deep end. Rage that is just sitting there breeds impatience, frustration, stress, bad headaches, indigestion, and many other physical manifestations. 

Learning to name what we’re really angry about is a process. I’m seeing that most of what I’m  pissed about today has to do with how I was treated as a child.  I’m angry that I was made to feel inadequate, and though all children deserve to have a champion in their corner, I had none. Because there was no one to hear what I thought and felt, I turned my anger inward, and took responsibility for trying to change myself into someone who would be loved and accepted. I left myself behind, and that in itself is a huge source of mine, and of much of humanity’s unspoken ire.

 Why is this issue surfacing now? Probably, because on an unconscious level I’m ready to deal with it so I can heal it. So here I sit looking at this stuff. I’m still inviting it in, and though I’m not sure what’s going to happen next, I know that once I can own my anger, and love myself as I sit with it and process it, I’ll be able to love others when they’re angry.

I’m grateful to the sleeping giant for stretching its arms and making loud noises so I could hear it and answer its’ call. However, I have a feeling this is just a small portion of what this giant is going to show me. . Stay tuned for further revelations as they surface, and I can see them clearly enough to give them a name.

The Anger Poem

Frenzied and scattered and
Out of Control

And all I can see is the lostness of soul.

Don’t know if I’m coming
Don’t know if I go
Don’t know if the answer
I don’t know, I don’t know

Grasping and reaching but
Nothing is there

And all I can see is the smell in the air.

The anger is coming
The anger is here
The anger is knowing
It’s all that I fear.

It’s coming from me
But I blame it on you
It’s making me blind
I don’t know what to do.

It’s burning me down
It eats me alive
It’s hurting me now
I’ll never survive.

The anger is real
But I make it a lie
The anger I feel
Is the anger I hide.

Nobody can see it
Nobody can know
Nobody can touch it
I don’t know, I don’t know.
Mark Ivar Myhre
The Emotional Healing Coach

 http://www.emotional-times.com/2007/10/anger-poems.html

Check out this website: http://www.healthyplace.com/abuse/hollis-triumph-over-tragedy/healing-unresolved-anger/

If you like the words that I write, you may want to check out my facebook page:

www.facebook.com/streamsofconsciousness

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About brendamarroy

blogger, and author
This entry was posted in Awareness, Consciousness, Family, Feelings, Healing, peace, Reflections, self-acceptance, spiritual and tagged , , , , , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

15 Responses to My Sleeping Giant is Awakening

  1. Pingback: acknowledging anger’s function (since a whole spirit is inclusive) « JRFibonacci's blog: partnering with reality

  2. Hermionejh says:

    Wow, I relate to this soooooo much! Thank you for beautifully expressing what I feel about my anger as well.

  3. soultalkgirl says:

    I can relate to being intimidated by anger. I was not taught to deal with emotions as a child and expressed angry emotions were not accepted. It made things very confusing for me into adulthood. I didn’t know how to deal with anger and my reaction was usually to cry. I don’t think I’ll ever be comfortable with someone else’s anger, but I don’t think that I shrink into a puddle anymore because of it. Thank you for sharing your story. I enjoy your site.

    • brendamarroy says:

      Hey soul talk girl,
      Thank you for your comment. Like you, I’ve noticed how often I cry when I’m angry. It seems to be the only way I know how to express what I’m feeling. But then, for me crying is easy because I gave myself the gift of being present to grief and sorrow a while back.

      As far as being comfortable with others anger, I really do believe that once we are able to own and be present to any of our emotions, we no longer feel threatened by those same feelings in others. Because we deny and make anger in self wrong, it’s almost impossible to accept it in others. That’s what’s so incredible about healing our lives…the more we own and heal, the more we can be a witness to others without making them wrong.

      I appreciate your kind words about my blog.

  4. LadyBlueRose's Thoughts Into Words says:

    I danced with this demon a bit ago, I even wrote about it, …and boy did the mask fall…
    thats what i learned, the repression of this emotion is a timebomb the picture you have of the mushroom cloud? it was me….
    I apologized, and was told I was forgiven for betraying his trust and he hoped i could one day forgive him for his unintentional hurt to me as mine was intentional…
    needless to say, ….. I went stone cold ice…..mine was not intentional, all the hurts, came out as i imploded..Beward of holding and wearing that mask…
    his was an extremely intentional betryal and hurt, when one deliberatly pursues someone after sharing promises before Goddess , it is intenional hurt from the first moment he se it in motion…but since he feels he is the victim, and has laid all the blame at me feet, I let it be, my emotions are spent
    and he will never see what he has done until he awakens that that sleeping giant in himself…I can’t do it for him….
    *sigh* and now I wait for the next one to awaken…
    A very uncomfortable thought, but ….
    Thanks Brenda…. I am glad I read yours, it adds to my story , opening another way to look at the demon I faced…your words help…and I am grateful for the piece of my puzzle you just put in place for me…
    Take care…

    )0(
    maryrose,

    • brendamarroy says:

      Maryrose,
      Thanks for sharing some of your story. I totally agree that we cannot do others work for them. Either they submit to their process, or they stay unprocessed.
      I appreciate your kind comments. Thank you for reading my blog.

  5. Anger is an emotion that often as you say, spews out when something happens …’the proverbial straw that broke the camel’s back’. There are feelings that you are suppressing maybe toward one individual….but because for whatever reason you can’t express to that person…it does lie in wait until you can unleash it when opportunity presents itself. It is uncontrollable sometimes and the person to whom you unleash it on..is left wondering what on earth did I do or say that caused such a reaction???

    I can remember standing in the kitchen and having an argument about who knows what…and I cleared the counters of every dish, pot, pan and glass in several swoops. I knew that the anger was not because of the issue at hand, but because I was frustrated at someone else.

    You have issues with it obviously because of your childhood, and so it is very difficult for you to witness it in others or even to let yourself ‘go there’ yourself at all..

    I do hate it when I see unjustified anger come from people, and I too wish not to be present when it happens as I feel somehow that I am part of it also, in the eyes of others.

    Anger is okay when it is ‘justified’ but to hold on to it even then, is detrimental to our spirit and very soul.

    As you have realized..your ‘sleeping giant’ is coming to the surface so that you can perhaps deal with it

    I look forward to your future posts and revelations..

  6. Roseann T. Kriebel says:

    Very brave, and very healthy!

  7. giannakali says:

    ah…shadow work. I like to say that there is nothing wrong with anger. The only thing that makes anger bad is our behavior. The poor emotion is innocent. There to help protect us, really.

    I like Robert Augustus Masters work with dark emotions. He’s got a book called “Spiritual Bypassing” which is very good and looks at exactly this issue. Our propensity to deny those emotions we call “negative” but that we are really just afraid of!

    Anger is a tough one for me too. I think it is for most everyone since our entire culture likes to make it bad…hence all the out of control expressions of it, I guess.

    • brendamarroy says:

      Thanks Gianna,
      I believe it’s because our society makes anger into an unacceptable emotion, that it’s pushed away by so many. Or, expressed inapproriately.
      Thanks for your comment.

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