I posted a blog a few days ago about the sleeping giant within. I gave it permission to surface so I could look it in the face and call it by name. I did not know what it was, but I did know something was knocking at my door, wanting to be seen.
To my surprise, the day after I posted the blog, the giant began to awaken. I’m looking it in the face, and so far, I know its name is fear of anger.
I am seeing that I’m not okay with anger. I don’t know how to own it for myself, nor am I able to allow it in anyone else. A bad temper scares me. I feel helpless with it and threatened by it, and I have no answer to it. When it appears in my life, I like to pretend it’s not there, or find a way to escape it, because I’m afraid it will chew me up and spit me out.
Recently, I was in a situation where I spent a few hours in the emergency room with someone close to me. This person was very unhappy with being where she was, and exhibited strong outbursts of anger. I kept getting up and leaving the cubicle, because I could not deal with her rage.
Seeing all that fury unleashed in front of me, brought up my need to make her anger wrong. The more she expressed her wrath, the angrier I became. I wanted to holler at her to shut up; I even wished I could slap her. What I couldn’t see on that day, but what I realize now, is that she was mirroring to me my own anger issue that needs to be healed.
I can easily tell someone it’s okay to cry and express their grief, but I am not able to calmly acknowledge someone’s anger while not getting caught up in it myself. Screaming, cursing at others, extreme negativity, and rage all scare me. I revert to being a helpless little girl,who was usually mad at someone, and had no outlet for expressing that emotion. As a child, when I was angry I was made to feel there was something wrong with me, so I learned to ignore that emotional expression.
There are times when I need to be angry, but I tell myself I’m not. Here’s the problem with not expressing anger at the right time, to the right person, in the right way. The feeling gets buried and it sits there, and we wind up exploding at the wrong time, to the wrong person, for the wrong reason, and in the wrong way.
Often, what we think we’re angry with, has nothing to do with what we’re really pissed about. People and events in our lives become catalysts that help us to find our stuffed emotions. When we can take a step back and see that we’re not really mad about what’s happening at the moment, we can experience healing.
Rage is an accumulation of unexpressed anger. When we keep stuffing our feelings they build up, and sometimes all it takes is one small thing to send us over the deep end. Rage that is just sitting there breeds impatience, frustration, stress, bad headaches, indigestion, and many other physical manifestations.
Learning to name what we’re really angry about is a process. I’m seeing that most of what I’m pissed about today has to do with how I was treated as a child. I’m angry that I was made to feel inadequate, and though all children deserve to have a champion in their corner, I had none. Because there was no one to hear what I thought and felt, I turned my anger inward, and took responsibility for trying to change myself into someone who would be loved and accepted. I left myself behind, and that in itself is a huge source of mine, and of much of humanity’s unspoken ire.
Why is this issue surfacing now? Probably, because on an unconscious level I’m ready to deal with it so I can heal it. So here I sit looking at this stuff. I’m still inviting it in, and though I’m not sure what’s going to happen next, I know that once I can own my anger, and love myself as I sit with it and process it, I’ll be able to love others when they’re angry.
I’m grateful to the sleeping giant for stretching its arms and making loud noises so I could hear it and answer its’ call. However, I have a feeling this is just a small portion of what this giant is going to show me. . Stay tuned for further revelations as they surface, and I can see them clearly enough to give them a name.
The Anger Poem
Frenzied and scattered and
Out of Control
And all I can see is the lostness of soul.
Don’t know if I’m coming
Don’t know if I go
Don’t know if the answer
I don’t know, I don’t know
Grasping and reaching but
Nothing is there
And all I can see is the smell in the air.
The anger is coming
The anger is here
The anger is knowing
It’s all that I fear.
It’s coming from me
But I blame it on you
It’s making me blind
I don’t know what to do.
It’s burning me down
It eats me alive
It’s hurting me now
I’ll never survive.
The anger is real
But I make it a lie
The anger I feel
Is the anger I hide.
Nobody can see it
Nobody can know
Nobody can touch it
I don’t know, I don’t know.
Mark Ivar Myhre
The Emotional Healing Coach
Check out this website: http://www.healthyplace.com/abuse/hollis-triumph-over-tragedy/healing-unresolved-anger/
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