I’m sitting on an embankment across the street from a building. There are a group of people sitting with me, and we’re all talking and watching folks go in and out of the building.
“They owe me a paycheck and I’m wondering how I’m ever going to collect it,” the girl to my left says with a sigh.
Everyone on the hillside comments on how we’re all still owed a paycheck from this company that has just let us all go, and wondering if they’re going to send us our money.
I stand up and courageously say,”Well, I’m going to get my money.”
With that declaration, I walk across the street and into the building. I find the payroll office and march in.
“I’m here to collect the money you owe me.”
Before the payroll clerk can respond, a gentleman walks in behind me and taps me on the shoulder.
“I’ve been waiting for you.”
“You have? Why?”
He mentions the name of a woman and informs me that this woman has told him that they are not to let me go, because they need me to continue to write for them.
Perplexed, I ask why.
“Because she says you are a good writer, a fearless writer, one whose voice we need in these times.”
With those words, I look up at the sky and notice how blue and clear it is.
The phone rings and jars me awake, and I immediately remember the dream. It is Thursday, December 9, 2010 and I am in Louisiana visiting my mother.
That dream clarified my purpose, which is to write from my heart, and to put the experiences of my journey on paper. As long as I stay true to what I’m supposed to be doing, my words flow. I wake up in the morning, or the middle of the night with the words to my blog running through me. I carry pen and paper with me everywhere I go so I can make notes when I see or hear what I need to write about.
I wish I could say I always respect my calling and not veer from it, but that would not be true. Unfortunately, every once in a while I get a wild hair up my butt that makes me think I need to try other things. Last week, I spun my wheels on a piece for a southern blog, and an article about resumes. The more I tried to get these pieces on paper, the more agitated I became and the farther away I moved from my peaceful, quiet center.
By Saturday, my insides were seething, and I felt like I was teetering on a tightrope. I complained to Paul that I had nothing for my blog and I couldn’t figure why. I spent part of the day trying to manufacture something, but nothing worked. I went to bed Saturday night with the prayer, “Please show me in my dreams what I need to know.” With that, I drifted off to sleep. This is what I dreamed:
I was on my way to a Math class at a college. I was in the three-story building the classroom was in, but I couldn’t remember which floor I needed to be on. I kept stopping the elevator at each floor, and I’d walk down the aisles looking for the classroom. The halls looked familiar but I could not find the class.
In desperation, I went to the office which was located in the building, and asked the girl behind the desk where my class was. I didn’t know the name of the class so she could not tell me. I kept telling her to look up my name and she’d see the class. I was frustrated and almost crying, and she was irritated and wanting to get rid of me. Finally she looked it up and told me I was in B-125 on the second floor.
In order to get to my class, I had to weave through throngs of people blocking the aisles. I finally got to B-125 and when I walked into the room I noticed that every chair was taken. I went to the front of the room and apologized to the professor, and asked for the material I needed to catch up with what I’d missed. He refused to give it to me, saying I wasn’t supposed to be in his class.
I decided to stay anyway and I went to the back of the room and found an empty chair. I sat in it and tried to see the front of the class, but there was a tree with huge leaves in front of me. I looked around and saw what I thought was an empty seat in the first row.
I went to that chair and as I sat down I realized I was sitting on a girls lap. She had
been in the chair but I hadn’t seen her. Suddenly I looked up and there was a girl standing in front of the class looking at me. She pointed at me and said, “You are not supposed to be here.” She tells me that I’m taking these classes and I’m not supposed to, and that I’m straying from my path.
I tell her I’m giving up all the other classes except this one and she says, “No, this is not for you.” Then, she levitates a little and is surrounded by a bright white light. I know instinctively that she is wanting me to know that she is of the divine, and I need to pay attention. I understood her message, and I got up and left the room.
What I see is that, once again, I’m spreading myself thin by moving away from what I’m called to do. I know that at this time, my calling is to write about life and its’ lessons on my Streams of Consciousness Facebook page and on my blog, to complete my assignments for my novel-writing class, to work on the re-write and edit of my book, to do practice writing daily, to care for my home and create a haven for Paul and I to share, and to take care of myself. It’s very simple and I know that this is the path I am called to follow.
I think I keep getting off track because I still think I need to be doing something more or different. However, the message for me is: activity is not necessarily productivity. Stay on track.
Writing my truth, as I experience life while walking my healing path, is my niche. This is where I belong. I have to write about discovering my wounded child, while pouring balm on the hurt places. I must tell about the amazing highs, and the sometimes embarassing and unseemly lows of life as I experience them. This is my calling, and I need to write as true and as clean as I can.
It’s essential to know that we’re doing what we’re here to do. It’s what makes life worthwhile and what satisfies and fuels our soul.
How about you? Are you on track with what you’re called to do?
If you enjoy this blog, please leave me a comment and please subscribe.
My Facebook page is: www.facebook.com/streamsofconsciousness. I hope you’ll check it out and like my page.