self-consciousness and Self-Consciousness

On Saturday morning during my quiet time, thoughts  of my self-consciousness kept rolling through my mind. I reflected on how easily embarrassed I can get over my physical appearance, how sometimes I want to hide my wrinkles and sags, color my hair, tuck my tummy, whiten my teeth, and perhaps have an overall body lift. I also sometimes want to find a hole to disappear into so so one can see my deep sense of inadequacy, or my fear of not being enough, of being too much, of failing, of acting senseless, and/or of screwing up my life. When I’m  experiencing self-consciousness, I think of myself as being stupid, of not knowing quite enough, and of living in a dream world where I  think I might be able to write, while harboring the fear of being seen as a wannabe.

Being in a state of self-consciousness is being in a lower ego state, where one is vulnerable to flattery, and where we align with weak detractor patterns. Last year, I read ” Power vs. Force: An Anatomy of Consciousness” by David Hawkins, M.D., Ph.D., and it left a lasting impression on me. In this book, Dr. Hawkins explains weak detractor patterns as  those which keep us stuck in self-consciousness, or in lower levels of life where we relate through the ego.  An example of these attractor patterns are: pride, anger, desire, fear, grief, apathy, guilt, and shame.

When we live  through our ego we can easily judge self and others, and habitually look for someone or something to place blame on. We self-castigate when we are in ego, and we often experience deep states of fear about the world, war, the economy, conflict, and anything that feels like it is threatening. We feel alone and separate when in an ego state, and lose our sense of oneness with our human family, and with the world at large. It’s a small place to dwell, and is confining to the point where we  become a prisoner of self.

Self-consciousness is living in a state of pure consciousness, which few attain on an ongoing basis, but which we can reach on and off as we grow into the fullness of Self. It’s when we feel at one with all there is, where we experience our connection to divine creator energy. When we are in this higher state of consciousness we “feel” nature and the world, we recognize our humility and gratitude, we are sensitive and caring to self and to others, and we know we are in the world, but not of it.  I reach these states of consciousness often, and when I’m there I see my true nature and beauty. I don’t put myself down, nor do I make harsh judgments on who I am or what I’m doing, I practice taking care of myself and I feel true compassion for the suffering and pain of all. I liken it to being immersed in Spirit.

While having lunch with a friend last week, she told me she wished I wasn’t having to experience the sadness I was feeling, and that she was afraid it wasn’t good for me. After offering thanks to her for the loving concern she has for me, I attempted to explain what I knew in my heart, but didn’t know if I’d be able to express with words. I told her about knowing that because I was connected to creator energy and imbued with Spirit, that I had a well of joy and peace in the center of my being. Knowing and feeling that wellspring within enables me to experience the pain that I feel in my self, which I need to acknowledge and heal. I told her how I know I can be present to whatever surfaces in my life, because I know for a certainty that I can tap into that pool of joy and peace that is always in my core. I know it is there; I see it, I feel it, and it is my soft place to land. No matter what I feel or how much emotional pain I may be in, it’s okay to let it in, because it’s not going to kill me or take me to a place from which I cannot return.

My Self enables me to go forward in life, and when I’m present to that higher state of consciousness, I know I’m a beautiful, intelligent, worthwhile human being. It gives me courage and allows me to trust in something larger than myself, and to stand still and face the unknown. I know at those times that I’m a part of the whole and I understand my connection to the human family. This state of consciousness is becoming more and more familiar, and the longing of my soul is to find a way to stay in that place without falling into ego. Will I get there in this lifetime? I don’t know, but what I do know is that it’s the house I want to dwell in forever, and the table I want to sit at, as I fill myself with the taste of bread and honey.


It fills you with the soft                                                                             
essence of vanished flowers, it becomes
a trickle sharp as a hair that you follow
from the honey pot over the table                                                                                 

and out the door and over the ground,
and all the while it thickens,

grows deeper and wilder, edged                                                                                    
with pine boughs and wet boulders,
pawprints of bobcat and bear, until

deep in the forest you
shuffle up some tree, you rip the bark,

you float into and swallow the dripping combs,
bits of the tree, crushed bees-a taste
composed of everything lost, in which everthing
lost is found.


About brendamarroy

blogger, and author
This entry was posted in Consciousness, inspirational, personal, spiritual and tagged , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

12 Responses to self-consciousness and Self-Consciousness

  1. Pingback: Is there life after suffering? (Yes) « power of language blog: partnering with reality by JR Fibonacci

  2. Roseann T. Kriebel says:

    Hey Brenda~~I don’t think I’ll ever get past self-consciousness, but I’m okay with that. I loved the dream-scape imagery that the poem conjured up. I wonder if it was the author’s dream??

    • brendamarroy says:

      Hey Rosie,
      I’m not sure about the poem, but I do know that Mary Oliver’s poetry is often based on nature. Could be dreams, and/or her reality. I loooooove her poetry.
      Love and hugs to you.

  3. Hermionejh says:

    I really enjoyed this post. It speaks to me as I struggle in my self-conscious ego state often, but I’ve also experienced the Creator place of being, and that’s great when I’m there (or available for that). I really like Mary Oliver’s poetry too.
    Thanks for sharing that you have those moments too, because while I know you’re another human in this life journey, I’ve come to see you as wise, and beyond the typical shit of life! (sorry to put that on you!) I mean it in a good way, because I feel supported and lovingly held by you often, and I do what I can to offer the same to the people in my life who are genuine and interested in uplifting rather than condemning. It also reminds me that when I’m being judged, it’s really not about me (but often hard to not feel it that way!)

    • brendamarroy says:

      Hi Jerri, I wish I was beyond the typical shit of life, but trust me, I’m no where near there. I’m just like you, a fellow traveller who has good days and not so good days. Sometimes I love myself and where I am and other times I wish I could find a hole to crawl into. It all depends on which space I’m occupying at the moment.
      The good news is that I now see clearly and quickly when I’m wading around in a pile of crap, and I’m at choice at whether to wallow in it and get stuck, or give it a name, accept is for what it is, give it permission to be and then breathe my way back into a peaceful place. It’s comforting to know that we all can be present to the shit and still be at peace.

    • brendamarroy says:

      Jerri, I forgot to tell you that I am uplifted by your blog also, because you are so human and so courageous to put your stuff out there. I know your truth when I read it, and it helps me to identify with you as another human on this incredible journey.Hugs and blessings to you.

      Brenda Lightfeather Marroy

  4. You absolutely are sexy and beautiful. I’ve seen some beautiful women (and men) who have nasty attitudes that ruin their looks. Your inner-beauty shines through and makes any little sag or wrinkle completely unimportant.

    • brendamarroy says:

      Wow. Thank you Amberr. What a great reminder that it’s what’s inside that counts. Just like a present. It can be wrapped in a beautiful package, and the inside can be a pile of crap. The package is just the package. Namaste.

  5. jakesprinter says:

    Very Helpful and Congratulation my friend you deserve to have it

I'm interested in what my readers think. Please leave a Comment.

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s