It seems I’ve spent most of my adult life searching for the holy grail. To many, the grail is represented by a cauldron or a cup that for various reasons is endowed with special powers. It is considered a sacred object and is part of Arthurian legend, plus it figures largely in some religious beliefs. Many searched for the grail, but man said that only the worthy could find it. Recently, I’ve begun to have an understanding and insight into the holy grail. I’m not talking about the holy grail of religion and legend; I’m speaking of the grail that I’ve been in search of.
To me, the holy grail is not ethereal, it’s not only for “the worthy” (whatever that might mean), and it has nothing to do with religion or legend. Rather, it is knowing the sacredness of all of life and drinking in and living from that knowledge. It is immersion in Spirit, with the realization that there is no separation between me and my creator. It’s an understanding of my own soul and the soul of humanity. To drink from my holy grail imbues me with power and wisdom to accept unconditionally both mine and the worlds’ life experiences, and the totality of who we are and our human experience.
As far back as I can remember my life has been a quest for something. I’ve been a seeker, seemingly searching for the unknown. I now know that my deep longing has been for light and understanding. No matter the path I took, and there were many, I lived with intensity and a sense of enthusiasm about what I would learn. I can see how over the years, I have sucked into my being, as one in a dearth, any morsel of truth and light that appeared to me. I’ve taken what I considered the meat from each experience and spit out the bone. The further down the path I get, the clearer I see what I have been looking for all along, and the easier it is to spot the meat.
Looking for the holy grail has made me aware of my life as it unfolds both within and without me. It’s helped me to watch myself and sense my experiences while accepting all the stuff that surfaces from my core. As I pull back the covers and peel back one layer at a time, I see my kindness, love and compassion, and I see my anxiety, fear, and my need to worry. And I don’t judge those parts of me as being wrong or right, or as being something I need to overcome or try to get rid of. These aspects of who I am are all a part of what make my life experience, each a part of the sacredness of life.
I finally understand how important unconditional love for myself is, because that’s the impetus that enables me to find unconditional love for others. As long as I make my darker (or maybe they’re lighter) traits wrong, I’m not loving myself completely. If I can’t accept my own feelings of anxiety, fear, and worry as being okay and just a part of the whole, how can I unconditionally accept and love others? I’ll always find something to judge in others as long as I’m judging things in myself.
Knowing for a certainty that all parts of me and all experiences in my life are sacred, is the crux of my holy grail. There’s no more searching or seeking for something out there to make life okay. Life is excellent just as it is. I woke up on Saturday morning and lay in bed for a few minutes worrying about something in the future that may never be. I got up, fixed a cup of coffee and sat at the kitchen table with my journal. As I began to write about my worry, I saw the insanity of it all. Not that worrying is insane, but that making it wrong is. Taking a step back from my thoughts, I decided to acknowledge my worry, not make it wrong, see how it felt in my body (like heaviness in my middle), and thank it for playing such a big part in my life. Worry has been with me for more years than I can remember and I’ve usually pretended it wasn’t there, or tried to dismiss it, talk myself out of it, resolve it, and/or harshly judge it. Once I saw this truth clearly, I was able to shout “Hallelujah. Good morning worry. I see you, I acknowledge you, and I’m giving you space to be.”
I’ve decided to have a relationship with the fullness of me, so I can have a relationship with the fullness of you and the fullness of life. I’m willing to create a space for me to experience my anxiety, fear, and worry, and to be with what they feel like without running away. Once I walked into, and sat down with this commitment, I felt soft and loved, and accepted for who I am. I am beginning to understand the sacredness of all of life, and see the madness of making different facets of life wrong. Everything is a part of the whole and all of my experiences are a part of my life. This is my holy grail.
Saturday night, after we put our tree up, I asked Paul to open a bottle of champagne. He wanted to know what we were celebrating and I told him: let’s celebrate our willingness to go through the experience of being unemployed and to walk through it together while nurturing and supporting each other, to the times we are willing to sit and talk about our fear of loss and of the unknown, and to be with that discomfort, and for the joy, peace, laughter, and happiness that we have found in the midst of it all. And so, we lifted our glasses and toasted our life, and all of those events that have gone into making us who we are.
P.S. I finished this blog on Monday morning, and I’m happy to say that Paul got a good job on Monday afternoon.