It’s unbelievable that another year is coming to a close. Before we know it 2012 will be here, and I can already detect the change in the energy field. Instead of New Years resolutions, I sit down every December and make my list of intentions for the following year. Once I write my list, I put it away and I commit my desires to Spirit. Every December, I pause to take stock of my life and see the losses and gains I’ve experienced in the present year. 2011 has been an interesting year; one filled with ups and downs, many new lessons, triumphs and failures, old and new stuff showing up, and big changes.
My year started in a low place. I was still physically and emotionally experiencing the aftereffects of having open heart surgery the summer before. My energy was very low and I was easily thrown into a state of extreme fatigue. I could go to the grocery store and come home and have to lie down for a nap because I didn’t have the energy to put one foot in front of the other. I felt emotionally and physically wiped out and went through a few rough patches.
During this time, I learned the necessity of being gentle with my body, and of laying myself down when I got tired. I saw the insanity of always pushing myself to accomplish what was on my list for the day and became quite adept at letting it be, knowing what wasn’t done would probably be there tomorrow. It also became easier for me to ask for help and thanks to the dear man I’m married to, I found out I don’t have to do it all.
And then, out of the blue, I realized in mid October that my earlier level of high energy was back. I was able to do two weeks of physical labor in making the move to our new house without feeling exhausted. I can go up and down steps, walk hilly roads, stay physically busy most of the day and seldom feel tired. I think my physical strength is back and it feels good.
In 2011 I lost my house in the mountains that I’ve owned since 2002, but gained a lightness of being by having what felt like a heavy weight removed from my shoulders. I fought the loss for months because I had such a strong emotional attachment to the land, but finally realized I needed to let it go. Nothing is forever, and it had served it’s purpose in my life.
I moved out of my home in 2006 and rented it for five years. I never want to be a landlady again. Each renter turned into someone who had no respect for my home or land and every time someone moved out, or I had them evicted, I wound up paying hundreds of dollars in cleanup and repair. I got tired of being a long-distance landlady and of having my home and land destroyed, and I knew I could not afford to keep it for myself. I called my banker and discussed my situation and though he encouraged me not to let it go, I knew I had to. I put it on the market for sale and due to the remote area it is in, I had few takers. In the end, I signed it back over to the bank and spent a few weeks mourning the loss of a place that had been a huge vehicle for me to find myself and learn to live alone.
I also lost three important relationships this year. My attachment to one came to an end due to a misunderstandings that could not be corrected, and to the others due to emotional distancing. Just as in the loss of my house, I spent time mourning the death of what used to be, and have found the strength and courage to move on. The other side of the coin is how many new relationships I’ve gained this year. I see now that the only real relationships we have are those filled with mutual love, respect, and acceptance. Without compassion and care for each other, it’s only a pseudo-relationship. Letting go of that which is not supportive and caring sometimes just has to be.
I learned that in the physical world, blood may be thicker than water, but in the realm of relationships that is not necessarily so. Many times our family of choice winds up being the people who accept, love and nurture us, and who stand by us through thick and thin, while our blood family judges us the most harshly and turns their back on us. This is a hard lesson for any of us to learn, and yet the more people I connect with, the more I realize how many are dealing with this issue.
I started this weekly blog in January, and it has steadily grown in readership, which is very encouraging. I am now experiencing the highest number of readers ever, and I’ve learned how important it is to face my fear and go full speed ahead.
My husband lost his job this year and is still unemployed, but we’ve been so blessed because we’ve been able to go through this time consciously, in full support of, and belief in, each other. We have no idea what today or tomorrow will bring, and though we sometimes get very afraid, we know on a deep level that all is okay. He is actively looking for employment and that which is highest and best for him will turn up.
I’ve felt the triumph of completing eight chapters of the first draft of my book, of understanding the work it takes to write fiction, and of gathering the material together to begin the first chapter of my novel. Last year at this time, writing a book was only a dream.
I’ve clearly seen that: age has nothing to do with maturity, money does not equate with success, most of what the world calls humor is not funny, pornography and greed are rampant in the USA, and we seem to be on the edge of destruction unless we make some changes in our lives and our world. Just as clear is the understanding that everyone is not trustworthy, and that once the bond of trust is broken it takes work to re-establish it, aging is a process worthy of being embraced, always having to be politically correct is a pain in the ass, bodhichitta (tenderness for life) enhances life, and parallel universes are highly likely.
It’s been a good year filled with much laughter and joy, great adventures, and an ever-expanding love and respect between me and my beloved husband. I’m ready for 2012 and I hope to scale new heights in my spiritual journey and continued growth and change in my life.
My list of intentions for 2011 was:
1. To author my first book
2. Continue making peace with my dark side
3. Find a roomy house with land, a fireplace, a view, affordable, and a place for storage
4. Slow down and put to rest the thing, the “voice”, that keeps me running. Live life sloooooowly.
5. Create an income for myself through my writing
6. Keep the love, respect, friendship, admiration and fire burning brightly in my beautiful, incredible relationship with my beloved husband
7. Learn how to blog
8. Be disciplined and courageous. Be quiet and present, and learn to pay attention to the slightest detail.
9. Watch sunrises and sunsets.