Before I start my blog every week, I sit in silence for many moments asking Spirit what I need to stream from my consciousness. There is usually more than one thing happening and blossoming in my life at any given moment, so I’m not always sure which event or issue to write about. This week, I’ve been pretty clear because I’m in a place of not only learning to bless whatever is happening and let it go, but I’m also seeing why I’ve worked so hard to hold on.
It seems the twists and turns of life keep dropping me into situations where I have a choice to either get in my head and try to figure something out, or bless it and let it be. Some of my situations are small, some larger, but none are earth-shattering. Not all of my concerns are personal, some are about humanity and what is happening around me and in the world at large.
Blessing my personal issues and letting them go doesn’t mean I forfeit my right to make a decision or come up with an answer. What it does mean is I”m willing to admit that I don’t always know what the best choice is in any given situation. Even using my critical thinking skills to make a decision, doesn’t mean I’ll wind up doing what’s best. Because I don’t know what tomorrow will bring, I’m left with the realization that the best thing I can do is be in the moment and be quiet and wait. This is not always easy, because sometimes I want to run ahead and do anything, just so I do something. I’ve spent too many nights lying awake in bed trying to figure things out. What a waste of energy. It’s easier to take a deep breath, turn the situation over to Spirit, and let it go so I can give my body and brain the rest it needs.
I’m noticing how much discipline it takes to quit trying to fix, control, and hold it all together so everything turns out all right. It’s finally becoming clear to me why I’ve had to stay busy and hold things together, and why letting go has been an issue. I believe it has to do with my lifelong addiction to approval. It feels better to be able to say I tried my best, then to say I’m letting it sit for a while, or I’m doing nothing. What will people think if I quit trying so hard to make everything right, and decide to let it go and trust in something bigger than myself. Will they say I’m lazy, I don’t care, I’m unmotivated, I’m stupid, or as my grandpa used to tell me, “I don’t have the sense I was born with.”
Because of my longing for approval, I’ve always had a need to succeed. Letting things go was not an option for me. I had to tweak and twist and push and pull and do what I could to make everything at least look good. It may not have been good, but if it looked like all was well, then I could live with that. It didn’t matter that I was dying on the inside, as long as my family and friends thought I was okay. I could usually fool myself into pretending I was okay and keep ignoring that little voice within that always seemed to be lost and crying. It’s taken time, but I’ve finally come to a clear realization that having a good job, making a lot of money and looking successful does not contribute to a strong self-worth. We can have the best job, be CEO of a company, have a lot of money in the bank, drive a Mercedes, and have beaucoups friends and acquaintances and still feel small enough inside to have a need for approval from others. It’s the need for approval that is the driving force that keeps us from letting go and being driven by our spirit instead of our ego.
Psychologist, Dr. Phil McGraw says, ” thirsty people seek water, hungry people seek food, cold people seek warmth, and people who grow up with rejection seek approval at any cost. ” Sometimes the cost is health and other times it’s relationships. It’s easy to fool ourselves into thinking we have to know it all, do it all, and have it all, especially when our inner most motive is to look good and be approved. I believe when there’s a rip in our soul we are consumed by trying to fix the tear, or at least cover it so we cant see it.
I have a few big decisions to make right now, and I remember a time when I would have lost sleep and struggled to come up with the right answer. I need to decide whether to try to rent my property again or see if I can sell it, whether to sign up and commit to a one year course on “Writing a Novel”, whether to stay in the apartment we’re in or start looking for a house to move into, whether to continue working my little side business on a part-time basis or give it up and write full-time, and whether to see if I can find an agent and a publisher, or self-publish my book. What I’ve decided to do is to bless each one, let it go, and be still and at peace, knowing there are no wrong choices to make here. Whatever I do in each situation will be okay.
As for today, right at this moment, life is good and I’m at peace. Since January 1, 2011, when I decided to take some big steps in my healing process, life has gotten quieter and much less hectic. It feels good to be okay with waiting and no longer driven to rush around, knowing I don’t need to hold it all together for one more day. I guess if it falls apart, then it just falls apart, and I’m willing to trust that, if necessary, I’ll know how to put it back together again. So for now, it’s another bless it and let it go day and though I set my intentions for what I’d like to paint on my blank canvas for today, I know it’ll all be okay if I just wait and be at peace.
P.S. One of my readers suggested I include my prompts for the week in my blog. So here they are: toast, wax, metal, blue, and my favorite, lines.