Choosing our Friends and Lovers

Recently I’ve been thinking about the people I’ve chosen to surround myself with..and feeling grateful that they’ve also chosen to be in my life. My prompts from Paul for last week, fake, end, and drop,  all seem to relate to my topic for this blog.  How do these words tie in with choosing friends and lovers? Simple. It’s wise to choose people who are genuine and who are willing to be present in the relationship, and when we find ourselves associated with someone who is not there for us, it is just as wise to end or drop  the relationship. One thing I know I don’t need is superficial friends who are not available.

When I was younger I had a few girlfriends, but my basic instinct was not to trust women. Instead of seeing women as my sisters, I saw them as competitors for the attention of men. I felt safer having a male as a friend, because I considered women to be cutthroat and catty. That was my experience when I was growing up and it was real to me.  Girls of my generation learned to define ourselves and measure our value by how attractive we were to boys. It was insane, but it was all we knew, and unfortunately this mindset is still propagated by a society that revolves around men. Women tend to get lost in the shuffle and as a result we lose our connection to other women.

I would still be a part of that belief had I not been ready and willing to embrace the feminine face of god.  Seeing the balance of feminine and masculine in god, made my vision of the essence of womanhood clearer.  Embracing a god who looked like me, elevated my desire to embrace myself and to honor my true inner beauty, power, and strength. I read books about powerful women and began to study women’s herstory and along the way I found myself being drawn to the sisterhood.  As I learned the importance of women’s relationships with each other, my life started changing drastically. Until I began to see my own courage and power, I was afraid to live alone or be alone, so I allowed anyone and anything into my life.   However, as my knowledge of myself grew, I started embracing my women friends as comrades, and with their help I found the courage not only to live alone, but to enjoy the solitude of my own company.

I met the most incredible and beautiful women in my women’s circles. This is where I learned to open my heart and my life and to trust my sisters. There’s something very empowering about sitting in a circle of loving, conscious women. Before I knew it wise and nurturing women were showing up in my life and I was quickly building a family of women who were supportive, real, and who were willing to remind me of who I was when I forgot. I’ve been friends with some of these women for thirty years and though we’ve been separated by time and distance, our bond is as strong as ever.  I believe our relationships have endured because of our trust and our willingness to be real and down to the bone with each other. When we get together we have fun, and laugh and joke, and talk about nonsense, but the bulk of our togetherness is centered on our hearts and our truths.  I have many other women in my life (besides my closest friends) and they have all been chosen because of their beauty and their desire to bond with the feminine. 

Women need women and because our friendships with each other are so important it’s necessary to choose wisely. I have many acquaintances who I like and respect, but my friends are different because we open our hearts to each other.  I choose women who will give me what I give them, which is love,  encouragement, acceptance, and authenticity. My friends engage with me and are there for me, as I am there for them. Besides my husband, my girlfriends are my lifeline. I draw strength from them and they help me to see myself more clearly.

 I wish I could say I chose my husband from the beginning, but since I wasn’t looking for anyone, nor was he, our coming together was not a conscious choice at first. We started out liking each other and we  quickly realized we were in awe of what we were each bringing to the table. When I think of all the men I’ve sifted through and been through over the years, it’s wonderful to finally be in a space where, when the time was right to make a choice, I was able to choose a man for his inner being. Instead of looking for someone to make me happy, or complete me, I was open to meeting  a man who already knew he was complete. 

Because of my deep abandonment issues, I usually took a hostage instead of having a relationship. I was afraid that if I didn’t hold tight and keep my partner as a hostage, he’d make a break for it when the time was right. It was such a huge healing time in my life when I was able to see my pattern in relationships. I’m grateful I spent time facing this issue and dealing with it before I met my beloved. Our relationship is part of our healing journey and my husband and I are aware that choosing to be life partners has been one of the healthiest moves we’ve made.

Look around at the people whom you’ve chosen to be in your life. Do you trust them and do you know they’ll be there for you? Are they there to support you and are they encouraging? Do they take more than they give? Occasionally, like cleaning a closet, I sometimes find there is someone in my life who I need to let go of. I don’t stop loving them, I just let them go because they’re no longer engaged in the relationship. When I have to be totally responsible for keeping in touch, I know something isn’t right and it’s time to walk away. I don’t believe relationships should be draining; quite the opposite, they should be fulfilling. We all know when we’ve been in the presence of a vampire who has sucked the life out of us. It’s okay to choose to surround yourself with people who fill you up, instead of those who tear you down and empty you out. It’s your life and it’s your choice. CHOOSE WISELY…

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About brendamarroy

blogger, and author
This entry was posted in Consciousness, healing stories, inspirational, life musings, Making choices, memoir, personal, Prompts, spiritual, Thoughts and tagged , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

10 Responses to Choosing our Friends and Lovers

  1. Hermionejh says:

    I so enjoy your posts, Brenda! I also really enjoy the other comments posted on here. I think I’ve had trouble with ‘taking a hostage’ because of past issues, but I’ve learned that it can be as important to let go as to hold on to a friendship that doesn’t enhance my life (or I don’t enhance theirs).

    • brendamarroy says:

      Thanks Jane. It is important to learn how to let go, but it isn’t always easy. I’ve learned that there are many who would rather be in relationships that don’t work, rather than be alone. I used to be one of those people so I understand the need.

  2. Betsy Ashton says:

    I have “friends” and “Friends”. “friends” are people who pass through my life with few ripples. “Friends” are there when I need them, when they need me, when we have something to share. “Friends” are those to whom I can express my deepest feelings, fears, joys. “Friends” never turn a relationship toxic, while “friends” can be toxic. And toxic relationships aren’t worth the time. I end them, quietly, quickly. Too much drain on my spirit. Keep writing like this, sister Friend. It’s wonderful.

  3. gingerclub says:

    Dear Brenda,

    What a lovely post! It seems it would be a pleasure to be part of your “sisterhood”. You wrote so truly about women. I felt for years exactly the same way. At school I hung only out with boys. We were only a few girls anyway, I had more fun with the guys, they were more natural, we went climbing, fishing, wrestling, had discussion rounds. They also accepted me as one of them. I never wore scirts or put on any make up. My looks did not matter to me, though I was very pretty at that time with long blond hair. Then the girls from a neighbouring school started to invade us and the rest of the girls had to join them for sports. Oh, my God, what a shocking world – existing of the latest Tennis club fashion, nail polish, totally brainless talk. I had had it and since then got a medical excuse, so I never had to show up for this sports class ever again. After that experience I always kept away from women, what I saw of them, made me feel sorry for such a waste of existence. It was not about men, it was what I saw in these women. Well, I never gave them a chance after that experience and my friends were always men. The problem started of course, when my male friends either started dating other women (because of the women), or they fell in love with me. In both cases the friendships never endured – unfortunately. Only during the last 10 years I really met fascinating women (such as you) , women I established friendships with. Indeed, it is really fulfilling particularly if I meet some intellectual curiosity. There are still too many “bobos” out there. But they are not important. The relationship among women is very enriching, but can also be quite complicated too. I know a whole group of ladies at the age of 70 and above, all widows. You would not believe how they behave sometimes – like little kids. Nowadays there are so many powerful women in politics, arts, and other facets of life. One just has to start to trust and to look for them
    As for skipping unhealthy relationships, I am not really good at this. I always think friendships should last forever. Some are really not beneficial and I will work on freeing myself from them.
    Thanks a lot for this great thinking!

    Warm wishes,
    Ginger

    • brendamarroy says:

      Thanks for your great comments Ginger. I’ve noticed that both women and men have a tendency to hang on to relationships that do not work, and I believe a lot of the reason for this is because basically we are afraid if we give up someone, there’ll be no one to take their place. Perhaps, many feel it’s better to have a non-working relationship than to be alone. The good thing about being alone and learning to be quiet is that we get to meet our best friend, who is ourselves. Hanging on to what’s not working takes up the space that could be filled with what does work. Know what I mean? Warm wishes to you too Ginger. Brenda

  4. a lot of good points you’ve made here. Some people are easier to deal with than others. I’ve found that good friends are hard to find.

    • brendamarroy says:

      Thanks for your comment. I have many acquaintances, but you’re right, good friends are not as readily available. I’m very blessed to have so many wonderful, supportive, and loving women in my life.

  5. natalie cooper says:

    Beautifully written, my sister.

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