It’s Saturday morning and I’m sitting here feeling empty, like someone turned me upside down and poured me out. I notice how I want to do something, like trip a wire or push a button, to make myself feel full. But, over the years I’ve learned that it’s okay to feel empty, because what I know for a certainty is that I’m totally full. Here are a few things I’m full of. ( Hey. Be kind now)
I’m full of compassion and concern for my aging mother, who I spoke to this morning. My mother lives over 800 miles away so I don’t get to see her as often I’d like. To drive is a 14 hour trip and to fly is becoming less do-able due to rising costs in airfare. She is fiercely independent and does not want to leave her home to either go to a senior, assisted living center or move in with me or my brother. I worry about her because she is 89, is losing her eyesight, can barely hear, and she sometimes gets confused. She still drives short distances and she plays bridge 2 days a week, but when her driver’s license expires in July on her 90th birthday, I have a feeling she may not be able to renew it due to her failing eyesight. So my brother and I spend a bit of time on the phone, commiserating with each other over our concern about our mother. We want to take care of her without taking away her independence or her dignity. We love our mother very much and we want to be responsible about her care. Knowing the best thing to do is not always easy, but I take heart in the fact that we both ultimately want what is best for our mother.
I’m also full of gratitude for the beautiful, tender, and loving relationship I have with my husband. We met 4 1/2 years ago, at a time when neither of us were looking for a mate. We were both single and independent and okay with being alone. We had no idea what was in store for us as we made our way to the motorcycle rally in Kentucky, where we met. For the past 4 1/2 years I’ve gotten to experience a love like I’ve never known. This isn’t a fairy tale love because our relationship is subject to the pitfalls of all relationships. I believe what makes our love affair different from anything I’ve ever known is our care, open communication, friendship, and respect towards each other. If there is such a thing as a soul friend or an anam cara, my husband is it for me. No matter what’s going on in my life, I always know I can fall back on my husband, and he will be there to catch me and shore me up until I’m able to stand on my own again.
I’m filled with tenderness, kindness, love, and care for humankind and for everything on the earth that lives and breathes. I’m also filled with sadness as I watch the downward spiral of humanity as we become dumbed down and numbed out. Many are working harder just to put food on the table and keep a roof over their heads, while others work harder so they can have more stuff in order to keep up with everyone else. I also sense the massive amounts of fear and uncertainty that people are living with due to the rampant expansion of corporate greed, which is helping to eradicate the middle class. (will CEO’s, bankers, Wall Street, and the politicians ever have enough?) Then there is our stagnant government filled with elected officials who are more interested in pleasing those whose pocket they are in, than doing something for the people of this country.
I’m filled to the brim with awe and reverence for benevolent, intelligent, loving creator energy. It amazes me on a daily basis to watch how my body functions without my even being aware of it. Sometimes, when I’m out on a walk, it will dawn on me how my legs move and carry me from place to place without my even giving them a command. All I have to do is decide to take a walk and my legs go into action. The intelligence of the human body is pretty awesome and when I take the time to notice how my body functions, I fill up with thanks and praise.
It’s Monday afternoon, and as I close my blog for this week, I notice I still feel empty, but I’m okay with that. The lesson for me when I do feel empty is to be still, and not get caught in the trap of trying to fill myself with stuff, which only provides a temporary fill anyway. It’s so much easier just to remind myself how full I already am. I’d be interested in knowing if any of my readers ever feel empty, and if so, how does it feel to you. I look forward to your comments.